Selah in Circumstances

It's been one time zone, two states, and 8 months since I've worked for a paycheck.

By the inconceivable blessings of family and amazing friends, I've been encouraged, cared for and even supported in countless ways. This has sustained me through drier seasons. And I've had longer seasons of darkness and unemployment as well. 

Yet imaginably, I've been thirsting for a chance to work and earn again. I've moved to help out family, and am blessed with work again. I'm serving at a fine dining restaurant. I am truly loving it, I've been here just a little past 2 weeks. The team of people are wonderful. The money will take time but when I get my feet under me, will be more than enough to support me and I'll even be able to save again.

    I am joyful and count my blessings for the way my King is providing for me and has provided for me throughout this past year. I've really needed to make my own way again.

So what happened just now has particular sting in my heart.

     I have begun working tables on my own. I'm out of training, thankfully, so what I make, I get to keep. I had my first official full shift today at lunch. Saturdays I'll work a double, so I'm about to head back in and spend the evening serving more. I left my lunch shift with my tips and began to head home. I can get a bit shaky if I'm on my feet all day and don't eat enough, so I stopped into Freebirds (a local burrito place in TX) to grab lunch/dinner. I realized quickly however, that I wouldn't have time to wait, so phone and money in one hand and keys in the other, I turned around to walk out the door.

    The door wouldn't budge at first push - it's quite windy today as it turns out. So I gave another good with my hands and headed out into the open air towards my car. I got 6 steps before I realized my money was no longer in my hand beneath my phone. I went back inside, looking where I was standing in line - - no money. 

It began to sink like a stone. My money blew away in the wind. I saw something flying down towards the grassy hill before the highway and broke into a sprint in shoes a bit too big (you can imagine how easy that was), praying "let it be the $20, please be the $20." It was $5. I said a "thank you" in my head for catching a bill, whirled around and spotted a $1 by a curb. No more bills were flying in the wind. The rest was gone. After less than 7 minutes from leaving the restaurant.

I got back 25% of my tips. I am saying a prayer of thanks for that. But to be completely transparent, tears were immediately welling in my eyes as I got behind the wheel. "Wonderful. I can't believe that just happened. Among the first dollars I've earned in all this time, and it's gone!" I wanted to stop the tears, I had to think of something to focus on instead of this. 

"Lord, someone is going to have a wonderful day when they find money at their feet, suddenly on the ground. This will be someone's great moment. You will speak to them then, I hope they hear and see You, how You provide and care. Someone will benefit from this."

    Now this is something I'm still saying to myself now - - because I have to. 

 I'm heartbroken. 

I don't for one minute want to make it seem like I'm not devastated over seeing money I desperately need disappearing like chaff in the wind. 

But I have to repeat that truth to myself so I focus on something other than myself here. 

Because the truth is - my Maker sees me. He knows me. He looks at me and doesn't look past me, but actually sees into my soul, my heart, which He fills and forms. He knows what I need. He knows my yearnings over this past year. My weaknesses. My desires for better circumstances. 

I believe that.

                          I believe Him.

So if it means I have to repeat these words to stop the tears, until I no longer feel a lot sad and only a little joyous, but instead solely joyful...I'll do that. And I'll write it out. And I'll be honest with my emotions. And then I'll feel the delicate and comforting transformation that It'll be fine. It could have been worse. God knows I need certain things, so what can worrying do? (Matthew 6:25-34) It can't add hours. It can't add dollars. 

So I'm working at this new tactic of giving it away as quick as possible. 

Go....go away from me stress and despair. Leave me. I only have room for the Spirit, I've no room for darkness. 

    So I will leave it at this: "And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:19)

Selah.

Dreaming Out Loud

Do you ever stop to look at your dreams?

     Really    l o o k    at your dreams?


Sometimes, they seem like someone else's. As if I were reading about them, seeing third-person into another's ambitions. It's easier then - to cheer for them. That seems backwards, I know, but for me...it just is.

I become so scared of my "one days" and "hopes" and "possiblys" when I look through the lens of mine. Because if those "could be" moments have my name on them and if they never materialize yet drift ever-distant from my fingertips, the pain of loss could be more than I could bear.

      I have longings in the sinews of my bones. To be many things. To do certain things. This hope - this hope is the sinew itself, binding my joint to muscle, giving permission for my limbs to function. I am called, beckoned to hope without fail. To live in the truth of its definition. To be unashamed.

Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening

There is a Robert Frost poem.
Perhaps you know it.





I have committed some of this to memory, since revisiting it in college. Today, I reread this piece of art.


I feel a kinship to its words - its emotion - its innuendoes.





I'm beginning another new season starting today.
I have kept it close to the chest for God has a way of orchestrating His timing with perfect meter, perfect resonance. I have learned, while listening to His symphony of this daughter's life, that He alone knows the next beat, the next crescendo, the next measure. If I think I have an idea where the swells are headed, I only find myself shocked and awed by His changes. His beautiful harmony.

This next phase for me: moving to College Station, Texas to live and help my Aunt in her difficult health - to work as many shifts as God gives me, saving money, earning, building up finances -- this next stage is my version of stopping by the woods on a snowy evening. And it's breathtaking in its quiet reverie. It's pregnant with meaning and verification of soul.

My King has made passage for me.
It may look as if I'm aimless or wandering.
It may have strong "horses" questioning my travel.
It may look odd, or unsafe, or irresponsible.

Such warnings have been spoken to me.

Yet I know whose woods I journey through.

And I have promises to keep, and miles to go yet.

I owe homage and service to One.

He, I follow

He I know

I stop to watch the flakes paint peace upon an unfamiliar safety. A wood some may not know. Yet this is my night of travel. It is not time for sleep just yet.

This is my obedience. This scary but steady place. Moonlit in assurance.

There will be time for everything under the sun. I can only follow the true Conductor, the true Navigator, and do my best to tell my companions there is no mistake as I keep the pace. I must remind myself amidst the noise. If I start to vary, may I remember the sound of snow falling. May I remember the blanket of newness. The sharpness of season's metamorphosis.

5MF - Trust

Today I'm hooking up with Lisa-Jo again over at The Gypsy Mama for the weekly write-without-fretting.

Today's word is TRUST.

There is never a bad or uninspiring word...ever notice that?
    I'm tired already, just knowing the word. Yet here goes....take the 5 minutes and join me, won't you?

~~
GO.


 Why pick the practice I'm the worst at?

TRUST.

          Is anyone stellar at this? Because I need a mentor to show me the ingredients to a trust-secured existence.

Then again, I suppose we are all dog paddling through the choppy waters of sinful humanity. This side of Glorious Home, aren't we told that we won't quite get everything right?

    Yet we're still supposed to run the race. To dig into our persevering bones and endure this tumultuousness that combats our urge to give in.

    I want so deeply and drastically to yearn for only His voice. To trust only His truth. Yet continually I hear the disapproving tones of another who doesn't think my life is quite matching up. I hear the accusatory voice within my own head berating my inability to support myself in ways an almost-30 year old should. I even hear the encouragement, the love bursting from great brothers and sisters, and begin to hunger for more of their approval than my Maker's.

   No matter how I slice it, the pie of people-pleasing is never supposed to nourish my soul.
I wasn't built for that.
I was built for Trusting in One only.
   I was built with a hole inside of me that cannot be quenched without the living water as my only supply.

  No, I wasn't crafted for bending over backwards for the lie or even the temporary sweetness of this world.

     I was built for eternity. For basking the glory of Sacrificial unity.

How I wish I could get at least that right. Today. Before today is too hard to paddle against.

STOP.
~~

    Link up with Lisa-Jo and take the time to write without boundary, without edit, without restriction.

Today I'm not left completely soothed. There's just too deep of water in my rocky heart. Yet I always, always need reminding of the realness of the love I am under. The tangible portions I was created for.

What are your words today? One thing I do know, there are never enough perspectives in this world for how to trust our Father more deeply, How to surrender more completely into His arms. I could use reminding. How about you?

0:00:00

Every day is 0:00:00.
    It always starts clean. New. Untouched.
It starts over.

 So often, I worry that I've wasted each of those ticking seconds.
     When I could have done so much more by the time I see 23:59:59.

And it's an insulting lie - to everything I did do that day. To everyone with whom I spoke. To every laugh that recklessly left my lips, every crinkle my eyes formed in understanding, comprehension or even confusion. To every item I held in my hands with intentional care. To every hug.

I wish knowing a lie was a lie was enough to never hear it again.


        I am a self-saboteur. A deprecator. A bencher of my own story.
               I   am   supposed   to   be   FREE   from   fruitlessness.

I am promised prosper. (Jeremiah 29:11)

I am promised life. (John 10:10b)

I am promised freedom.  (Galatians 5:1)

So I want to live in such freedom, and emancipate from my own binding. 

   The lies that may never stop coming this side of eternity, 

      but I have antidote for every falsehood. I have truth. 

And hopefully we can rest assured, knowing what truth does. 

Timing: When to wait, when to act?

I wish I could tell you I have the answer to the question posed by this post's title.

   Truth is, I have no idea what is right or when it's right.

I'm writing, because I wish I knew.


      The past few days, I've been thinking about:
          - Moses striking the rock and water pouring forth.
          - The Israelites going to Aaron, tired of waiting for Moses, and
            fashioning golden calves to worship.
          - Peter cutting off the Roman guard's ear.

Weird and random, I know. And actually, the ear one just came to me now. It fits though.

  You see - I'm at an impasse. I have been, multiple times, here in this "in-between".

Plugging Into Great Resources, Part 1

On Friday, I was participating in Lisa-Jo's weekly prompt. In my post, I expressed my desire to connect with other participants. Fellow bloggers who yearn for the creative push each week, or even those trying it for the first time.

My point is that I want to seek out more. I want to "introduce" myself to you, fellow writer, fellow chaser of the passionate dream, fellow liver of life.

Because we each have a voice.

And together, we make a louder voice.

Let that sound be one of motivation.
     Of a cheering squad.
            Of heads nodding in understanding, confirming none of us are alone.

So...in honor of that belief - that yearning for supporting one another - I wanted to highlight the generous, talented woman who stopped by Friday. They took the time to read one small voice. They left what they may think are small words of "hello, nice to 'meet' you", but indeed were encouragements so dear to me, I have to take the time to show my appreciation somehow.

For it means more than just a small amount to me.